Epiphanies are really odd things, if I may call them things that is. They hit you like a loose brick from the balcony of a building you're walking under. And and once you've dealt with the immidiate shock of what you've just realised you wonder why you didn't get hit earlier. Subsequently of course you begin to take stock of the numerous realisations and answered questions that have been dumped onto you in that one infinitesimally minute moment of time. I for one, wrote everything down not that its the SOP, I don't have epiphanies too often to lay down an SOP for them, but I did, lest I forget anything important. There was so much information balancing on my head, all piled up, one sudden movement and it would have all fallen off.
Anyway now I'm sitting going through whatever is scribbled onto this little piece of paper and there's just one thing that I can deduce from it all. That is, being at sea, has changed me, unfortunately for the worse. I didn't like this conclusion that I'd arrived at. But this is how it is. I obviously would never be able to notice this change since I was the one going through it. But the people present before, and who are still here after, can. How I'd wish everyone would help out and tell me strait up, but life's not as simple as I'd like it to be and not every one's at straight forward. People like to drop small subtle hints here and there in the hope that I'll get it and that I'll realise without getting hurt as compared to a more blunt and direct approach. Well, I'd actually appreciate the latter. But then again not many people know me well enough to know that. But anyway, a lot of rewiring is needed in my head and a lot of modifications are underway. I some times think I was more in control of myself and my brain when I was twelve, more sensitive to change and the world around me. Now I'm more like the character 'Moose' from the Archie's comic books, who's reaction to everything he didn't understand was 'Duh' followed of course by aggression, which stemmed form the secure feeling of being the only thing he knew would work out. in his favour for sure.
It has taken a year to bring about these little yet damaging changes within me. Some hardly noticeable and others quite obvious. What I don't know though is how long it will take for me to get back to normal. But then again what was, is, or will, define 'normal'? I guess till I'm not satisfied with the state of my mind, body and soul, I shall wear a T-Shirt that says:
Anyway now I'm sitting going through whatever is scribbled onto this little piece of paper and there's just one thing that I can deduce from it all. That is, being at sea, has changed me, unfortunately for the worse. I didn't like this conclusion that I'd arrived at. But this is how it is. I obviously would never be able to notice this change since I was the one going through it. But the people present before, and who are still here after, can. How I'd wish everyone would help out and tell me strait up, but life's not as simple as I'd like it to be and not every one's at straight forward. People like to drop small subtle hints here and there in the hope that I'll get it and that I'll realise without getting hurt as compared to a more blunt and direct approach. Well, I'd actually appreciate the latter. But then again not many people know me well enough to know that. But anyway, a lot of rewiring is needed in my head and a lot of modifications are underway. I some times think I was more in control of myself and my brain when I was twelve, more sensitive to change and the world around me. Now I'm more like the character 'Moose' from the Archie's comic books, who's reaction to everything he didn't understand was 'Duh' followed of course by aggression, which stemmed form the secure feeling of being the only thing he knew would work out. in his favour for sure.
It has taken a year to bring about these little yet damaging changes within me. Some hardly noticeable and others quite obvious. What I don't know though is how long it will take for me to get back to normal. But then again what was, is, or will, define 'normal'? I guess till I'm not satisfied with the state of my mind, body and soul, I shall wear a T-Shirt that says:
Caution Work In Progress
Do NOT Operate
And I guess I will need to buy eight of them, one for every day of the week plus one backup so I don't get impounded in the CDC again, this time for being a stinking Bio Hazard!
