Eyes, they speak a language of their own. They always do. It’s so very difficult to mask what they say. It’s hard to lie with your eyes in league with your mouth and brain. It’s hard for your eyes to say anything else but what they actually want to say. But those who master the language of the eyes rule their own little world, the world of their immediate surroundings, the people around them, even the strangers they meet.
Anyway, it’s hard not to have what you CAN have, but might not NEED to have, knowing that you can easily have it. It’s hard to be restrained to one if you’re so used to getting everything you set your eyes on, even if that one is everything you ever wanted. Primarily because you are so used to getting whatever you wanted, if not immediately then pursuing and eventually attaining what your end goal was. And this ultimately becomes a sort of habit, a sort of addiction which is hard to let go of. An addiction which one shouldn’t be slowly weaned off but must have a clean break from once and for all, no matter how horrific the withdrawal is. A clean break though, is hard to do. I’ll tell you why, once you develop a familiarity with the state you’re in, the state in which you always try different drugs and once you’re done, there are so many more to choose from so much more to try and so easy to attain, sticking to a regular drug a regular taste a regular feel and a regular high makes you feel utterly unsafe, absolutely unstable and completely insecure, no matter how amazing and intoxicating the stuff is no matter how safe the gear you’re using is. You just feel like you’re in unsafe waters, in uncharted territory. It’s a world you haven’t seen or felt in a long long while. You’re utterly happy, totally ecstatic, you’re loving the trip but the unfamiliar environ and the unfamiliar weather keeps you from totally engulfing yourself with this amazing feeling this drug you’ve shot up your veins is drowning you in.
Yet once you have decided with total conviction, ‘Yes, clean break, no more, I’ve found the stuff I need, I have all I want right here.’ You’re okay for a while but then the inner urges almost kill you saying, what a waste of resources, what a waste of talent, what a waste of life, of everything, you moron, remember the high you’d get? Remember the exhilarating feeling? Remember the feeling of achievement? Remember how invulnerable you felt? How much in control you were of your world? But then this other heady feeling tells you how short the high was, how worthless it all felt after a while, and how useless the entire trip was. How I’d crash with boredom till I found another chase only to get bored again. And here I am with something which has substance, which has everything I’d really ever want, or need, and MORE. A ‘constant’ high, with no crashes the next morning, a perfect drug.
‘Hang on to it’, I tell myself.
‘Don’t lose this drug in the process of shooting up again with another drug or a concoction no matter how hot it may look on the cover. You know once you unwrap them they’re all just the same old worthless shit. You know that the literature on the cover is just a bunch of words to get you all excited, it may for a while but when the light of scrutiny falls upon their nakedness there’s nothing to be found, no more thrill to be had. Just a short uncertain trip ruined by the anticipation leading up to it which doesn’t match up to the actual trip. And then what? Move on to the next prettily wrapped drug? No. Just hold on to the perfection of this one, to the smoothness of its trip, to the happy ride you always have, to the excitement it always brings, to how it pleases your brain, to how it soothes your heart, to how it enters your dreams, to the boredom that never comes.’
So then how do I counter all the other tempting drugs who’s wrappers promise a brilliant high, a different high and at times a very alluring evil high? How do I resist when they don’t need any effort to acquire? How do I resist if they make a deliberate effort to find me and keep trying to add a teasing bit to the stuff I’m cooking so they can give me a twist of their taste in my usual stuff? A tinge of evil, or a tinge of lust or a tinge of short lived ecstasy…… What do I do, take my gear and run? Isolate myself? Or just give in and add them to my best stuff to satisfy my craving for the ultimate high which might just kill who I am?
Kill me if I waver. I don't want to die a guilty man.
