Here I am back to the blog to send out more shit out there for anyone to read. There’s a special comfort in letting it all out to no one in particular, or to anyone out there, depending on how you look at it. As usual, when things are great, I don’t feel the urge to write. My language as usual, is degrading over time. Fuck!
It hurt, it still hurts, it surprises me how much it hurts. You just know how much it hurts now because now you know it hurts me. Earlier you didn’t. In a way it hurts me more because it hurts you too. It’s a shitty situation. I hate you for it, I hate me for hating you, but I love you even more, too much, so it outweighs everything else by so much, that nothing else matters.
It’s a weird feeling having some one else chosen over you. It’s so weird. And to think in all this confusion, technically it was not the case, or it was, or it wasn’t or whatever the fuck.It never really was like that but the bloody point is that it felt that way. Getting over all this, which is in my head only because I’m so messed up and masochistic, I feel bad for all those guys and girl? Above whom I was chosen over time. Shit! How insignificant must they all have felt? Sorry to you all, if you ever read this, I didn’t do that by design, you know that. It wasn’t even my choice to make, it wasn’t even my fault, but I feel for you losers now. I got no pleasure out of it. Sorry. Now I feel sorry for myself…..for how I feel because I don’t need to but I fucking do. I feel like shit. No matter how much you reassure me somewhere in my head I don’t want to believe you, I’m still insecure, because I was left naked in the cold cold rain while you were enjoying the warmth of a fresh rendezvous. Of course the insecure part of me wondered what I lacked, where I’d gone wrong, why I wasn’t good enough and how the fuck was some one else better than me? My first time you see. Fuck! There’s nobody out there better than me. Fuck that!
The saddest part is the time it has and will take me to get over this immense emotional betrayal. And to think it wasn’t a betrayal of any sort. But if fucking felt that fucking way! I’m still coming to terms with how deeply I am affected. I’m sickened by it all and most of all by me and my inability to get over it all. How’s anything better than me? I can’t face it because I’ve never had to, or felt the need to prepare for it. I’ve been the best, the only choice and the best fucking choice at that. There have been regrets at the loss of me but never a fucking situation like this where I’m the one discarded. Or at least I felt discarded. It doesn’t matter what you say, it makes no fucking difference, your reassurances make no fucking change in my head, but I need to listen to them and if they stop, although they make no difference, if they stop they will make a very very negative difference to me. I don’t need them but I bloody need them. I am depressed, a small part of me is. This depression has lasted too long. For how much longer, I don’t know, I can’t say, I’ve never been in this situation before.
I’m so tired of asking myself if I’m good enough. I tell myself that this wouldn’t have been possible if I wasn’t. No one’s forcing anyone here. But that crap still pops up in my head after a while. It prevents me from enjoying myself to the fullest, it prevents me at times from giving myself up completely like I did before, right in the beginning. It makes me sad that what is now is not the best it can be because I am still holding back just that little bit. Just in case something that won’t happen, happens. It’s all fucking subconscious and out of my control. It’s all fucking screwed up. How the fuck did this happen?
Damn me and damn this ugly fucking world.
Trust me, you say you listen, but you don’t. Human beings are ugly, ugly, ugly. Guard yourself. You cannot look into their eyes and see their ugly souls like I do. You look in and only see feigned beauty, fake shit they want you to see. Trust me, rely on me, listen to me.
Thank you for your patience. What IS, is beautiful, but it can be so much better, it will be. There is no other way.
Thank you for listening.
