Bitching Wall

Well, looks like this is quickly becoming my bitching wall. My way of releasing what we're not ready yet to discuss. My way of sending it out there out of my system in the hope that someone with similar problems may have advice or sympathy. Maybe it's just a vain hope that some day when you're in the right frame of mind you may read it and understand my point of view.
Whatever, it's me brain mouthing to relieve frustration.
So, you have time, LOTS of time for almost strangers, to serenade them, to be a nurse to them, to sympathise with them, to be empathetic and feel bad for them and dish out world class advice, even go the extra mile and be totally selfless and do favours for them. You have all the time in the world to be everyone's nurse, despite knowing the next day your work will be affected. But who cares. It's nice to know you're so warm and so compassionate. It truly is, I'm not being sarcastic. But what happens when I have the simplest of needs or requests? Why is it that everytime when I need something, or request something (as rarely as I do) that the first think I hear is a complain of some sort about how inconvenient it is, how it's not possible or how much work it is, or how it just can't be achieved. I'm not even talking about the unfortunate times when I was low and was seeking comfort and was figuratively coldly slapped in the face instead, I still put that down to bad timing and distance. Sigh......how does it make me feel? How do YOU think it makes me feel? When I see the time and effort you put into nursing everyone else, everyone else mind you who won't give a shit about you when you need them. And when I need the simplest of things, the simplest of information that just requires you to do nothing more than lift a finger or make a call, the first thing I hear is the various ways in which it's 'inconvenient'. Just who am I to you?

Now to bitch - Just a few recent examples. It's not inconvenient to drop some one home who made it to wherever he was by himself. It's not inconvenient to eat up your sleep time over consoling a pal, it's not inconvenient to spend half the night and half the morning looking after a heart broken buddy, but hey, Rushie needs something (maybe just some peace of mind), ah! But it's so inconvenient! How will I do that? How can I? It's out of the way. Why should I inconvenience myself for him?
So is keeping in touch isn't it? Inconvenient. So so inconvenient to just drop a message letting the other know what's up, keeping them in the loop to compensate for distance.
But NO, I can't say all the above to you, I'll become a CONTROLLING bastard. I'll be some one who's always complaining. I'll be misconstrued as an arsehole who doesn't want you to have fun. Some one who expects too much. I mean really, am I asking for too much. I'm not complicated, I just need simple things. But Oh so INCONVENIENT!

Also.......remember that this reduction in keeping in touch and communication (despite my outlining how important it is for us) from both our sides because it seems like you just don't care so I spitefully say why should I and why create trouble anyway, will cause a gradual distance between us which you will not notice until it's too late. Trust me I know, I've been there before. And then you'll wonder what went wrong. You ofcourse will conveniently give some fantastic and bombastic reasons to something so simple, love the way you do that.
But who listens to me? So do what you feel like when you feel like. I'll adjust and well, I'll also never say I told you so. I'll just let it be and see how you handle things and what you actually feel like doing and how much you actually feel like communicating. All this is better than confrontation and asking to the point of almost begging is it not? I don't want to feel like shit.
Like so many other things, with this too I give up.

Ramble....ramble....ramble......

So when I ask for more communication which is healthy, I get 'controlling' and when you get the same amount of communication from me that you give me, you cry 'miss you' and 'I needed you'
Is there no way out?
Inconvenient? You actually said that, with a queen size bed and abundant space. Maybe I should have used that line when I had a single little bed half of which was used up by my laptop with the curtains pulled, upper bunk or lower bunk, dropping it all around, squirming in a quarter of a bed. Why'd I do it? I know it'll give you pleasure and it's no inconvenience for me and no great feat that deserves recognition. I do it because I know it'll give you pleasure, I do it because I know it'll make you feel good. Because I love you.
Since you want everything your way and if I assert myself I get branded with negatives and extreme conditions, or you just break down into tears, allow me to adjust to you.
Do whatever you think is right and get in touch whenever you feel like.
You miss me? Pick up the phone and give me a call or drop me a message. You want something ASK for it. You need my advice, ASK for it. The same way I've been having to ASK for things.......communicate with me......how was your day.....tell me more.......how was your evening......that's it no more? Talk to me, tell me more so I can share your happiness.......How're you feeling?.......Are you okay?...... You know why? Because after unconditionally giving in for so long and doing what I feel like when I get nothing or rather get insulted in return, I feel like a fool more over I feel unwanted. So allow me to adjust to your ways, since you're always right and you have your life so under control.
As I said, I'm going passive.

Much Love.