Bitching Wall

Well, looks like this is quickly becoming my bitching wall. My way of releasing what we're not ready yet to discuss. My way of sending it out there out of my system in the hope that someone with similar problems may have advice or sympathy. Maybe it's just a vain hope that some day when you're in the right frame of mind you may read it and understand my point of view.
Whatever, it's me brain mouthing to relieve frustration.
So, you have time, LOTS of time for almost strangers, to serenade them, to be a nurse to them, to sympathise with them, to be empathetic and feel bad for them and dish out world class advice, even go the extra mile and be totally selfless and do favours for them. You have all the time in the world to be everyone's nurse, despite knowing the next day your work will be affected. But who cares. It's nice to know you're so warm and so compassionate. It truly is, I'm not being sarcastic. But what happens when I have the simplest of needs or requests? Why is it that everytime when I need something, or request something (as rarely as I do) that the first think I hear is a complain of some sort about how inconvenient it is, how it's not possible or how much work it is, or how it just can't be achieved. I'm not even talking about the unfortunate times when I was low and was seeking comfort and was figuratively coldly slapped in the face instead, I still put that down to bad timing and distance. Sigh......how does it make me feel? How do YOU think it makes me feel? When I see the time and effort you put into nursing everyone else, everyone else mind you who won't give a shit about you when you need them. And when I need the simplest of things, the simplest of information that just requires you to do nothing more than lift a finger or make a call, the first thing I hear is the various ways in which it's 'inconvenient'. Just who am I to you?

Now to bitch - Just a few recent examples. It's not inconvenient to drop some one home who made it to wherever he was by himself. It's not inconvenient to eat up your sleep time over consoling a pal, it's not inconvenient to spend half the night and half the morning looking after a heart broken buddy, but hey, Rushie needs something (maybe just some peace of mind), ah! But it's so inconvenient! How will I do that? How can I? It's out of the way. Why should I inconvenience myself for him?
So is keeping in touch isn't it? Inconvenient. So so inconvenient to just drop a message letting the other know what's up, keeping them in the loop to compensate for distance.
But NO, I can't say all the above to you, I'll become a CONTROLLING bastard. I'll be some one who's always complaining. I'll be misconstrued as an arsehole who doesn't want you to have fun. Some one who expects too much. I mean really, am I asking for too much. I'm not complicated, I just need simple things. But Oh so INCONVENIENT!

Also.......remember that this reduction in keeping in touch and communication (despite my outlining how important it is for us) from both our sides because it seems like you just don't care so I spitefully say why should I and why create trouble anyway, will cause a gradual distance between us which you will not notice until it's too late. Trust me I know, I've been there before. And then you'll wonder what went wrong. You ofcourse will conveniently give some fantastic and bombastic reasons to something so simple, love the way you do that.
But who listens to me? So do what you feel like when you feel like. I'll adjust and well, I'll also never say I told you so. I'll just let it be and see how you handle things and what you actually feel like doing and how much you actually feel like communicating. All this is better than confrontation and asking to the point of almost begging is it not? I don't want to feel like shit.
Like so many other things, with this too I give up.

Ramble....ramble....ramble......

So when I ask for more communication which is healthy, I get 'controlling' and when you get the same amount of communication from me that you give me, you cry 'miss you' and 'I needed you'
Is there no way out?
Inconvenient? You actually said that, with a queen size bed and abundant space. Maybe I should have used that line when I had a single little bed half of which was used up by my laptop with the curtains pulled, upper bunk or lower bunk, dropping it all around, squirming in a quarter of a bed. Why'd I do it? I know it'll give you pleasure and it's no inconvenience for me and no great feat that deserves recognition. I do it because I know it'll give you pleasure, I do it because I know it'll make you feel good. Because I love you.
Since you want everything your way and if I assert myself I get branded with negatives and extreme conditions, or you just break down into tears, allow me to adjust to you.
Do whatever you think is right and get in touch whenever you feel like.
You miss me? Pick up the phone and give me a call or drop me a message. You want something ASK for it. You need my advice, ASK for it. The same way I've been having to ASK for things.......communicate with me......how was your day.....tell me more.......how was your evening......that's it no more? Talk to me, tell me more so I can share your happiness.......How're you feeling?.......Are you okay?...... You know why? Because after unconditionally giving in for so long and doing what I feel like when I get nothing or rather get insulted in return, I feel like a fool more over I feel unwanted. So allow me to adjust to your ways, since you're always right and you have your life so under control.
As I said, I'm going passive.

Much Love.

Just So You Know

......and just so you know, this short time together and long time apart you want me to give so much 'credit' to. Just remember, because you always forget, we went through it all together. Now, how did I manage? I wonder??? SO stop fucking using it as an excuse!

Pain

So much affection, so much is not done. No, no where in the world, not in my opinion. Especially since after such a long time of trying to understand the culture I realise it's pretty much the same as anywhere else. No, no one does. Why do you? Where does it come from? Do you know? Do you know how much it hurts me? Ever tried to put yourself in my shoes? But that's not the issue, not the problem, that's not the core of it. Going back to the basics, do YOU understand where it all comes from? All this affection? I think you ought to ask yourself. Do you think it's right? For the sake of humanity ask yourself sort it out and let me know some how. Oh! Wait, you'll never read this now will you. Wonderful! In fact fuck everyone else, I don't see anyone else getting this sort of affection from you. None of your oldest and closest pals. Why? I see no one else giving that sort of affection out either. Plus, I shirk to think that this is just what I see, in the public domain, what about what I don't see? Thinking of that hurts more.
I want to understand, more than not knowing why you do and more than realising that it's just you who does and deems it correct while I after my 'study' so to say, of the culture still feel it's socially incorrect there and utterly unfair to me, more than all this 'unimportant' stuff (since I'm the last person who's feelings you seem to consider), I just want to know and understand where it comes from. After all you say and all you've said and all you fucking described this seems so out of place, it just negates everything you say you feel. It puts it all back to zero. Gosh, this is just what I see. It tempts me to get back in touch with worthless people in my past just so I can express myself the same way and tell myself it's okay to do so, just because she does. It won't give me any pleasure, it'll just make me feel worse. That's not who I am or want to be. How do I release this? How do I say it's not correct without cutting off your wings because you don't deem it to be incorrect? Why do you do it after all the bullshit you give me about how you feel and what you think? I don't understand, I just sit quietly and weep. I don't know how much more of all this I can take. And this is just what I see, this is just what I see, wonder what's on that I don't.
Never been here, don't want to be here. Don't wish it on anyone. Why is there so much pain?

Another Bloody Rant

Here I am back to the blog to send out more shit out there for anyone to read. There’s a special comfort in letting it all out to no one in particular, or to anyone out there, depending on how you look at it. As usual, when things are great, I don’t feel the urge to write. My language as usual, is degrading over time. Fuck!
It hurt, it still hurts, it surprises me how much it hurts. You just know how much it hurts now because now you know it hurts me. Earlier you didn’t. In a way it hurts me more because it hurts you too. It’s a shitty situation. I hate you for it, I hate me for hating you, but I love you even more, too much, so it outweighs everything else by so much, that nothing else matters.
It’s a weird feeling having some one else chosen over you. It’s so weird. And to think in all this confusion, technically it was not the case, or it was, or it wasn’t or whatever the fuck.It never really was like that but the bloody point is that it felt that way. Getting over all this, which is in my head only because I’m so messed up and masochistic, I feel bad for all those guys and girl? Above whom I was chosen over time. Shit! How insignificant must they all have felt? Sorry to you all, if you ever read this, I didn’t do that by design, you know that. It wasn’t even my choice to make, it wasn’t even my fault, but I feel for you losers now. I got no pleasure out of it. Sorry. Now I feel sorry for myself…..for how I feel because I don’t need to but I fucking do. I feel like shit. No matter how much you reassure me somewhere in my head I don’t want to believe you, I’m still insecure, because I was left naked in the cold cold rain while you were enjoying the warmth of a fresh rendezvous. Of course the insecure part of me wondered what I lacked, where I’d gone wrong, why I wasn’t good enough and how the fuck was some one else better than me? My first time you see. Fuck! There’s nobody out there better than me. Fuck that!
The saddest part is the time it has and will take me to get over this immense emotional betrayal. And to think it wasn’t a betrayal of any sort. But if fucking felt that fucking way! I’m still coming to terms with how deeply I am affected. I’m sickened by it all and most of all by me and my inability to get over it all. How’s anything better than me? I can’t face it because I’ve never had to, or felt the need to prepare for it. I’ve been the best, the only choice and the best fucking choice at that. There have been regrets at the loss of me but never a fucking situation like this where I’m the one discarded. Or at least I felt discarded. It doesn’t matter what you say, it makes no fucking difference, your reassurances make no fucking change in my head, but I need to listen to them and if they stop, although they make no difference, if they stop they will make a very very negative difference to me. I don’t need them but I bloody need them. I am depressed, a small part of me is. This depression has lasted too long. For how much longer, I don’t know, I can’t say, I’ve never been in this situation before.
I’m so tired of asking myself if I’m good enough. I tell myself that this wouldn’t have been possible if I wasn’t. No one’s forcing anyone here. But that crap still pops up in my head after a while. It prevents me from enjoying myself to the fullest, it prevents me at times from giving myself up completely like I did before, right in the beginning. It makes me sad that what is now is not the best it can be because I am still holding back just that little bit. Just in case something that won’t happen, happens. It’s all fucking subconscious and out of my control. It’s all fucking screwed up. How the fuck did this happen?
Damn me and damn this ugly fucking world.
Trust me, you say you listen, but you don’t. Human beings are ugly, ugly, ugly. Guard yourself. You cannot look into their eyes and see their ugly souls like I do. You look in and only see feigned beauty, fake shit they want you to see. Trust me, rely on me, listen to me.
Thank you for your patience. What IS, is beautiful, but it can be so much better, it will be. There is no other way.

Thank you for listening.