A Ray of Light

I’m tired and weary. I’ve been silent for years and secretly scared. I am tired of being hurt over and over again. I’m just tired. And it’s not like I’ve not learnt from my mistakes. I have and I’ve grown and evolved. But I still can’t protect myself. I don’t think I will ever be able to.

There are just these simple things one wants in life. Just a few, but these few are the most elusive. Just a few constants in my life would make me happy and keep me that way till the end of my days. But every time I’ve gained even the smallest amount of confidence in the fact that ‘Yes, now I’m stable, now I’m happy, now I’m content, this is all I need and want’ everything has just come crumbling down.

One must always have a ‘Plan B’ a good friend of mine said to me. But there are some things in life for which you can’t have a Plan B. You just can’t. Of course my friend does have a Plan B, she’s always had one, for each and every situation in life and each and every plan, whether long term or short. But I know how messed up she actually is. Everyone’s messed up in this world, in some way or the other, it’s only human. But I know I’m more messed up than she is. She plays it safe, her ideas on life are different from mine. I usually always have a Plan B, but some times you just can’t have one. Some times life demands that you put all your eggs in one basket and try your best to make things work. Hope like hell that things that are humanly out of your control don’t ruin everything. It’s at these times that I feel so helpless. When I give something everything I’ve got and life just comes around and takes everything away.

In the blink of an eye I have lost everything that I ever wanted. I’ve lost everything that I ever needed. It’s happened so many times now that I don’t want to do this any longer. I don’t want to go through the entire process again. But there’s no other way to achieve what I want. In my book of rules there’s no other way of going about it.

So here I am again, uncertain of life, my life and what will happen. Again, I’m putting all my eggs in one basket. I don’t care. I dare life to hurt me again. Because more than anything else in my life right now, I want this to work.

I want you!

When Things Come Out of Nowhere

Life is funny. When you want something really badly the entire world works against you to make sure you don’t succeed. Then you struggle through all the resistance and come out victorious. And just as you begin to enjoy that wonderful sense of achievement standing atop this cliff you’ve scaled, the world plays its final trump card.

There you are right on top, sitting with your head in your hands, wondering what to believe and whom to trust. Wondering if this is the world’s sly underhanded trick just to spite you or if this is the world’s way of saying, “I told you so right from the beginning, you just didn’t listen.”

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

Standing in the Rain Just Wishing I Could Hold You

I’m all weird again. I’m a different person from who I was when I last blogged (which was a very long time back). I was a different person in between and now I don’t know who I am. Anyway, here I go again letting it all out.

I’m in a very strange place. I know how the world works and I know how human beings work. I can have anyone I want if only I try. I have reached a stage in my life where I am so self assured that I don’t need anyone or anything. I am finally strong and I am finally who I want to be. But when it comes to her, I don’t really know what I must do. Do I remain who I was when I first met her? The person who she was attracted to? The person who knew the right things to say and the right things to do? Or should I show her the rawness of my soul, my weaknesses and my shortcomings, hoping that she will still love me and not just leave? A very very practical and persuasive part of me wants to play the games humans play, the game I’ve gotten so good at to keep the attraction high. But there’s still that innocent part of me who wants to let her know that I need her so very much. That in a relationship we will need each other. This might not be the most attractive trait in a man. She might mistakenly think I'm weak and needy, but I must show her the rawness of my soul, show her who I am and make her realise that this is the worst that it’ll get. Because if I let myself go and fall any deeper I need to show her every facet of me, with total openness and the truth with no emotion in check with no feelings unsaid, with no insecurities unshared. If she is mature enough and if she loves me enough then she will see me for who I am. And if she is the woman who I hope to God she is, then this will last for ever.

Or is this a big mistake? Should I listen to the voice of experience and practicality? Or should I give in to the hopeless romantic in me who still believes the world is a beautiful place where people love each other and no one hides the truth. I ask you this, because I need to know. The last post was for you too.