It has been two nights now, if this lasts more than fourteen then I'm in for a lot of trouble. A part of me wants this feeling to last more than fourteen days so I can be certain about what I'm feeling. You all know my fourteen day theory. I needn't explain more.
Last night whenever I closed my eyes I saw her. Yet when I opened them I realised how unfair I was being to whom I was with. Fifteen minutes into it I didn't really care anymore since my current bed buddy had already screamed in ecstasy. I closed my eyes just to see her again. I wanted to, I needed to. I wished it was her I was holding right now; wish I was making love to her all over again. I hadn’t planned for this, it just turned out this way. A part of me wishes I didn’t see her face whenever I closed my eyes yet the other part wants to dream about her all day. Just as a part of me wants her to obliterate my fourteen day theory whilst my other self, who made his opinion heard in my last post (one way highway), wishes that her memory just fades away.
It was disgustingly wrong of me to do what I did, but I did it all the same. I thought of her all the way through, her eyes, her lips, her face, her skin, her bosom; how soft she felt against me, how perfect the kisses were, how comfortable I felt when we cuddled, until I finally let go.
We both turned over and lit a cigarette and had another drink, I made myself a really stiff one, I needed it.
I felt a hand run down my spine and I turned to look into a pair of eyes that had a lot of questions. I felt so low; I was being such a dick. But I said nothing.
I sat in the balcony; the moist breeze that was blowing didn’t dry my sweat. I was so engulfed in thought that I didn't realise I'd been out there for more than an hour. So much was going through my mind but none of it led anywhere. It just depressed me more since I found no solution.
Last night whenever I closed my eyes I saw her. Yet when I opened them I realised how unfair I was being to whom I was with. Fifteen minutes into it I didn't really care anymore since my current bed buddy had already screamed in ecstasy. I closed my eyes just to see her again. I wanted to, I needed to. I wished it was her I was holding right now; wish I was making love to her all over again. I hadn’t planned for this, it just turned out this way. A part of me wishes I didn’t see her face whenever I closed my eyes yet the other part wants to dream about her all day. Just as a part of me wants her to obliterate my fourteen day theory whilst my other self, who made his opinion heard in my last post (one way highway), wishes that her memory just fades away.
It was disgustingly wrong of me to do what I did, but I did it all the same. I thought of her all the way through, her eyes, her lips, her face, her skin, her bosom; how soft she felt against me, how perfect the kisses were, how comfortable I felt when we cuddled, until I finally let go.
We both turned over and lit a cigarette and had another drink, I made myself a really stiff one, I needed it.
I felt a hand run down my spine and I turned to look into a pair of eyes that had a lot of questions. I felt so low; I was being such a dick. But I said nothing.
I sat in the balcony; the moist breeze that was blowing didn’t dry my sweat. I was so engulfed in thought that I didn't realise I'd been out there for more than an hour. So much was going through my mind but none of it led anywhere. It just depressed me more since I found no solution.
When I got back to the bedroom my blanket was hijacked. I knew what was expected of me but I couldn’t do it. I just lay on my back all alone on my side of the bed and watched the ceiling hoping it’d come alive and transport me where I truly wanted to be right now.
I woke early, collected my stuff and left. This escapade was supposed to be fun. It turned out to be a disturbing eye opener. I realised a lot but that just added to my already confused state of mind. And now I stand with a head so jam packed with confusing feelings and thoughts that I feel I’m sixteen years old all over again. I don’t like feeling the way I did when I was sixteen, I don’t like not being in control of my feelings, my actions and my emotions. I feel weak, I feel vulnerable. I am afraid.
I woke early, collected my stuff and left. This escapade was supposed to be fun. It turned out to be a disturbing eye opener. I realised a lot but that just added to my already confused state of mind. And now I stand with a head so jam packed with confusing feelings and thoughts that I feel I’m sixteen years old all over again. I don’t like feeling the way I did when I was sixteen, I don’t like not being in control of my feelings, my actions and my emotions. I feel weak, I feel vulnerable. I am afraid.
7 comments:
Well written? Good God! Don't tell me. I just rambled as it came to my mind. But yeah I know I'm royally fucked. It's just that this is my only release, my blog, where I take no names and entertain no questions.
Rish,
Just read through. Id echo Arsh when I say, well written. Indeed.
I like the way the thoughts just ramble onto print. Numerous feelings take shape within the alphabet. And I'm so glad you're letting that happen. Don't keep it bottled.
Anj
well....fucked, as said above, is what you are. literally and metaphorically.
but but but but but...
when your mind and heart conflict, chose the one that wont let you look back on your past with "what if i had tried?"
youre allowed to be afraid. but that doesnt mean that you cant be brave.
love
a regular.
O' regular reader of this sad sad blog, your advice is well taken.
After much consideration I have done what you're hinting towards, since I have seen so many longing eyes, including my own, over time that I'm not one who'd let my feelings kill me from within.
I've made my feelings known. Yet now I wonder, 'what next?' and this question has always tormented me, my limitations are well established in 'One Way Highway' as I'm sure you've read.
But thank you all the same.
hey u. Looks like I've caught you in the middle of a pickle. Ah you kids these days with your casual sex and forlorn hearts
Shutup Pavs!
Where are you these days?
'Pickle'you say? Its more like the same 'quicksand' I was in the last time.
I'm in Muscat currently. I have a secret blog . muahuahuah. But I want to keep it secret lah. So I guess this is gonna be a one way thing from now on. Tell me abt the quicksand, I'm all eager. Looks like you are having a good time though , from the Singapore pics!
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