Chaos

Walking beside her I was incomplete. She was completing some one else. Her smiles were not meant for me, nor was her touch. Confused though she claimed she was, she now seemed completely in control of her feelings. I walked a few paces ahead of them, glanced back once and could take no more. I shut my eyes in a vain attempt to keep my tears from trickling down. They flooded my eyes then rolled down and warmed my cheeks, I wiped them as they came. She looked so content, so satisfied. For the first time I felt incomplete around her. In her presence, so alone, desolate, so cold. The piercing pain in my heart was unbearable. We parted ways, said our goodbyes. Her eyes were moist, she touched my hand. I felt life run through me, it felt so good. But with the abruptness of a tornado it vanished, as her hand slipped off mine. I looked into those beautiful eyes, the eyes I fell in love with, one last time. Without any words I said, 'Good bye love, be happy.'
Why? Why? Oh! Why all this pain? Am I to seek solace in the fact that she loves me? Am I to feel supreme because she isn't yet over me? Am I to seek comfort in knowing that she has wept so much wondering why she left me, regretting not giving our love another chance? Why did she make all this known to me now, after so long, if the finality of the situation still reigns supreme?
She shares her life, her love with some one else.
She called me the other day, out of the blue. We spoke, as would best friends after a long separation. Almost five months had past since I’d heard her voice. I loved hearing her talk, that familiar voice, that familiar tone. I felt so alive. I was smiling from ear to ear while I spoke to her. The excitement in her voice felt pleasing. We spoke for so long, carefully avoiding the sensitive issues. The conversation ended. My smile wore off. Before I could deal with this new situation she messaged. In it she said how much she still cared for me. I replied telling her how I would never stop caring for her, she is after all the love of my life. I waited for what felt like an aeon for a reply. I could hold my composure no longer. I snuck in to a quiet corner, called her. We both wept over the phone. I told her how much I loved her and how much I’d missed her, how there hasn’t been a day that has passed without me thinking of her. She said she’d missed me too. Said there were so many moments when she’d cried her heart out, wondering why she’d not given our relationship another chance. I asked her how she could move on in just a month, how could she be with another. I was still not over her and was incapable of thinking of anybody else. Her answer shocked me. She said I was not around, she was lonely, she was getting to know new people and found that she liked him a lot. Was I supposed to be around? Wasn’t I asked to leave her alone? Hadn’t she said she wanted to be alone and among friends. She needed her space. Hadn’t she said that she didn’t want a relationship so early in life. She said she needed to be single. How could she be so weak? How could some one who I thought was so strong get into a relationship on the rebound? Didn’t she know better than that? I said nothing though. I didn’t utter a word. I consumed it all, as I have so many things before. Keeping it all within. She stressed that she didn’t want to lose me and that it was important to her that we kept in touch and that we didn’t lose each other as friends. I agreed, we’d shared so much when we were together, known each other so well, there had been no failure of any sort in our relationship, we must remain friends. Rest assured it would be a difficult task for me as I hadn’t moved on and I assumed she had. But it stopped the tears on both ends and for the moment we were both comfortable. We decided to meet. She asked if it was okay if she brought him along. I saw no harm, thought at that time that I would be able to take it, that it would urge me towards my ultimate closure.
We met. Seeing her at a distance filled me with such joy. She was alone. I hugged her, felt her warmth. Felt her in my arms. I looked into those eyes I had longed to see. We smiled, I felt complete. We walked to where we intended to sit. I wondered where he was but refrained from asking. We spoke to each other, smiled, caught up on old times, but all our laughs ended in sighs. When we were both quiet, we were busy thinking. I could tell from her eyes that her thoughts consumed her. A million thoughts were racing through my head too. I was longing to touch her face, to feel her in my arms again, to kiss her. I’m still not over you, she said suddenly. I’m so confused. I don’t know what to do. Before this issue could be taken further he arrived. His step was cautious, so were his words. We were introduced. He was well guarded and didn’t converse much. I felt nothing at his arrival, felt nothing for him. He was sizing me up but I didn’t care. In the subsequent half hour I spent with the couple, I knew he didn’t deserve her, or was that just me being unfair? I don’t want to contemplate. I didn’t want to rationalise anymore. He just doesn't deserve her, period. He put his arm around her as though he owned her. She smiled at him and turned to me with an embarrassed smile. My heart had sunk, it ached like hell. What was to help me attain closure had in actuality wounded me more. I remember telling her when we were together, how I’d die so many times a day just thinking of her because I missed her so much when she wasn’t around me. But at that very moment, I truly died! Never had I felt so sad. Never had my chest hurt so much.

Loved and Lost