I have a feeling I’m on the brink of what looks like the second identity crisis of my life. I know that doesn’t say much about my integrity but much has happened in the last year that has changed me. A few of these changes seem permanent. Although I welcome some changes, others have left me rather confused about myself.
To address this issue and get my head out of the almost constantly perplexed state I’ve been in the last few weeks, I spent half a day at the beach. I love it when it rains, people stay in, they like to watch the rain from the other side of their glass windows. It leaves me alone, alone to think without distractions. I love the feeling I get when cold drops of rain land on my body, I love the aroma that fills my immediate surroundings. I feel rejuvenated. As I sat at the beach on the edge of a jetty with the rain beating down on my shirtless back and the chilly, gusty wind turning my skin pale I resolved to get rid of my frustrating state of confusion. Or at least to understand it. As always this condition unfailingly helps me to leave the world behind. I can think outside boundaries of the realm of reality. So as my body shivered and went partially numb and the waves made my dangling feet sway, my mind achieved a clarity of thought and capacity of analysis it seldom does.
I thought about my life in the last couple of years. I addressed a lot of issues. I deduced a lot of conclusions and arrived at numerous realisations. I felt happy. I felt supreme and in control. Although a number of issues had not been resolved, at least I had understood their cause and the effect they have had or are were having on my life at present.
The issue that worried me the most was the inner conflict between the old me and the new me. I know it’s rather perplexing. But I’m sure everyone who’s known me through the years knows exactly what I mean. I am not who I used to be. Among the more glaring changes is my social outlook. I was a complete extrovert, a party animal who’d always find time for socialising. I never got bored of partying, never said no to a gathering of friends. I seldom got jaded with clubbing. I loved making new acquaintances. I enjoyed being among people. Now, however, I seem to be rather strangely comfortable with my solitude. I love having all my time to myself. Most of my friends complain of how I don’t keep in touch, that I hardly come out anymore or make time for them. I just don’t feel like. I don’t know why but I just don’t. Upon realising this change and initially finding it rather threatening. And as a consequence of pressure from various fellow social animals, I forced myself out . Parties, clubbing, dates, outings, movies, lounges, the works. I caught up with friends and made about half a dozen new ones in the process. I indulged in the usual rituals. Did the usual stuff. BUT, I felt numb, these outings and all the partying and late nights that I once enjoyed failed to make me feel any sense of enjoyment. The start, middle and end of each experience felt meaningless, hollow and normal (euphemism for BORING). I enjoyed not one of these escapades. The entire ordeal to resurrect the party animal in me lasted about three weeks and wreaked pandemonium in my head. I was in a state of confusion. I was rather alien to myself at the end of that three week ordeal. I knew not how to react. At every one of my social outings I found my self consciously wondering, analysing, thinking, questioning. Why is this supposed to be fun? Why am I not enjoying this? What’s so enjoyable about that? Why do people think she’s pretty? Why is kissing her so boring? Why does sex not feel so great? What did I feel before that I’m not now? Why isn’t anything fun? Questions down those lines, I found nothing appealing, I was totally jaded. I was seeing through everything for what it was, it all felt like such a farce. I found flirting an utterly useless and predictable process to achieve only one end, which for some reason didn’t seem too interesting. It felt like an effort which I didn’t want to make. At the end of each of these evenings I just found myself irritated and disillusioned. Unsatisfied and angry. So I took a break form everything. I pulled myself into a new world where my only company was usually my own self. I read, listened to music, stayed in, went for long walks alone, used the gym, spoke occasionally on the phone, sent replies to messages, chatted online, watched occasional movie with a friend. I didn’t club, didn’t go for the usual evenings out over the weekend, didn’t flirt around, kept very much to myself. And lo! I was satisfied, comfortable. I was close to being a recluse and I was feeling at ease. I was becoming as boring as Grandpa but I was feeling happy in that state. A week of this and I was utterly happy with life. I felt stable and secure. But a conscious part of me kept on screaming out like a siren in the middle of the sea, forcing me to try to be like I was before. Although I didn’t feel like engaging in any form of unnecessary contact this odd feeling I had, this incessant scream would force me to reach out to some one, to anyone. It was like a ache at the back of my head that didn’t go away. A part of me, that resented the new way in which I had found profound satisfaction and stability in being an introvert. It couldn’t accept the fact that I, “Mr. Party Animal” was now content with my solitude and sporadic meetings with certain friends. This conflict manifested into something rather peculiar. Whenever I was online checking mail and reading the news like I usually do, I’d found my self randomly buzzing and messaging friends over MSN. And since I didn’t actually ‘feel’ like talking to anyone of them in particular or reaching out to them, not because I didn’t like them but because I didn’t feel like it, I ended up making a complete moron out of myself. I’d say the strangest stuff to people online. I’d hail them in the lamest of ways. Just for the sake of it. I’d start off a conversation that I had no intention or enthusiasm of continuing. I know I’ve left so many of you wondering about my recent behaviour over the interned and often over the phone as well. It can be branded, without doubt, as WEIRD. Few of you have been kind enough to point it out, but I know all of you have definitely, at some point over the last month, noticed and wondered. This problem, as of today is considered solved. I have recognised what has brought about this change. I don’t feel the need to reverse it. I think indulging in activities that don’t appeal to me anymore (or for the moment) is unnecessary and exhausting, not to mention utterly irritating. I am taking my time off from the world, I shall bask in my solitude as long as I feel like. I shall be my usual extravagant, loud and spontaneous self when I feel the urge to. I shan’t do the usual bit of over analysis that I tend to, which usually only results in jumpy nerves. I guess I’ll be myself and go with the flow (like some one special once said to me). This is me now, there’s noting wrong with my current state of affairs hence I shan’t make any endeavours to alter it. As for that siren, well she’s been shot in the head with a harpoon. Good riddance.
Lost and found.
To address this issue and get my head out of the almost constantly perplexed state I’ve been in the last few weeks, I spent half a day at the beach. I love it when it rains, people stay in, they like to watch the rain from the other side of their glass windows. It leaves me alone, alone to think without distractions. I love the feeling I get when cold drops of rain land on my body, I love the aroma that fills my immediate surroundings. I feel rejuvenated. As I sat at the beach on the edge of a jetty with the rain beating down on my shirtless back and the chilly, gusty wind turning my skin pale I resolved to get rid of my frustrating state of confusion. Or at least to understand it. As always this condition unfailingly helps me to leave the world behind. I can think outside boundaries of the realm of reality. So as my body shivered and went partially numb and the waves made my dangling feet sway, my mind achieved a clarity of thought and capacity of analysis it seldom does.
I thought about my life in the last couple of years. I addressed a lot of issues. I deduced a lot of conclusions and arrived at numerous realisations. I felt happy. I felt supreme and in control. Although a number of issues had not been resolved, at least I had understood their cause and the effect they have had or are were having on my life at present.
The issue that worried me the most was the inner conflict between the old me and the new me. I know it’s rather perplexing. But I’m sure everyone who’s known me through the years knows exactly what I mean. I am not who I used to be. Among the more glaring changes is my social outlook. I was a complete extrovert, a party animal who’d always find time for socialising. I never got bored of partying, never said no to a gathering of friends. I seldom got jaded with clubbing. I loved making new acquaintances. I enjoyed being among people. Now, however, I seem to be rather strangely comfortable with my solitude. I love having all my time to myself. Most of my friends complain of how I don’t keep in touch, that I hardly come out anymore or make time for them. I just don’t feel like. I don’t know why but I just don’t. Upon realising this change and initially finding it rather threatening. And as a consequence of pressure from various fellow social animals, I forced myself out . Parties, clubbing, dates, outings, movies, lounges, the works. I caught up with friends and made about half a dozen new ones in the process. I indulged in the usual rituals. Did the usual stuff. BUT, I felt numb, these outings and all the partying and late nights that I once enjoyed failed to make me feel any sense of enjoyment. The start, middle and end of each experience felt meaningless, hollow and normal (euphemism for BORING). I enjoyed not one of these escapades. The entire ordeal to resurrect the party animal in me lasted about three weeks and wreaked pandemonium in my head. I was in a state of confusion. I was rather alien to myself at the end of that three week ordeal. I knew not how to react. At every one of my social outings I found my self consciously wondering, analysing, thinking, questioning. Why is this supposed to be fun? Why am I not enjoying this? What’s so enjoyable about that? Why do people think she’s pretty? Why is kissing her so boring? Why does sex not feel so great? What did I feel before that I’m not now? Why isn’t anything fun? Questions down those lines, I found nothing appealing, I was totally jaded. I was seeing through everything for what it was, it all felt like such a farce. I found flirting an utterly useless and predictable process to achieve only one end, which for some reason didn’t seem too interesting. It felt like an effort which I didn’t want to make. At the end of each of these evenings I just found myself irritated and disillusioned. Unsatisfied and angry. So I took a break form everything. I pulled myself into a new world where my only company was usually my own self. I read, listened to music, stayed in, went for long walks alone, used the gym, spoke occasionally on the phone, sent replies to messages, chatted online, watched occasional movie with a friend. I didn’t club, didn’t go for the usual evenings out over the weekend, didn’t flirt around, kept very much to myself. And lo! I was satisfied, comfortable. I was close to being a recluse and I was feeling at ease. I was becoming as boring as Grandpa but I was feeling happy in that state. A week of this and I was utterly happy with life. I felt stable and secure. But a conscious part of me kept on screaming out like a siren in the middle of the sea, forcing me to try to be like I was before. Although I didn’t feel like engaging in any form of unnecessary contact this odd feeling I had, this incessant scream would force me to reach out to some one, to anyone. It was like a ache at the back of my head that didn’t go away. A part of me, that resented the new way in which I had found profound satisfaction and stability in being an introvert. It couldn’t accept the fact that I, “Mr. Party Animal” was now content with my solitude and sporadic meetings with certain friends. This conflict manifested into something rather peculiar. Whenever I was online checking mail and reading the news like I usually do, I’d found my self randomly buzzing and messaging friends over MSN. And since I didn’t actually ‘feel’ like talking to anyone of them in particular or reaching out to them, not because I didn’t like them but because I didn’t feel like it, I ended up making a complete moron out of myself. I’d say the strangest stuff to people online. I’d hail them in the lamest of ways. Just for the sake of it. I’d start off a conversation that I had no intention or enthusiasm of continuing. I know I’ve left so many of you wondering about my recent behaviour over the interned and often over the phone as well. It can be branded, without doubt, as WEIRD. Few of you have been kind enough to point it out, but I know all of you have definitely, at some point over the last month, noticed and wondered. This problem, as of today is considered solved. I have recognised what has brought about this change. I don’t feel the need to reverse it. I think indulging in activities that don’t appeal to me anymore (or for the moment) is unnecessary and exhausting, not to mention utterly irritating. I am taking my time off from the world, I shall bask in my solitude as long as I feel like. I shall be my usual extravagant, loud and spontaneous self when I feel the urge to. I shan’t do the usual bit of over analysis that I tend to, which usually only results in jumpy nerves. I guess I’ll be myself and go with the flow (like some one special once said to me). This is me now, there’s noting wrong with my current state of affairs hence I shan’t make any endeavours to alter it. As for that siren, well she’s been shot in the head with a harpoon. Good riddance.
Lost and found.
2 comments:
this phase of your life could just be momentary and another phase of the better will be waiting for you over the yonder...u just need to pull yourself together, as it is,you are makin' yourslf proud..
Salute to you,'fren',..
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