Phoenix

I meant to post this earlier. Wrote this the morning after I landed in Delhi.

I wasn’t even trying to stop them, I wasn’t expecting them to come. But they did. When they started to flow out they didn’t stop. I cried. At first for no reason whatsoever, not knowing what it was that was overwhelming me so much. Then, second after second I found reason to be sad, and I wept harder. So much has been eating me within, so much has been frustrating me and last night, it all came out.
I needed to feel cold, to feel numbed by the winter outside. I took off my pull over, took off my t shirt and walked out of the house. The fog limited the distance till which I could see the world. It was as if everything was being revealed to me slowly, turn by turn, just like one by one I found reason to feel sad, to cry harder. It was cold and I was shirtless, bare backed out on a foggy night walking down a road I hardly know, but I felt nothing. I felt the cold on each letter of my tattoo, as though affirming my state of mind. I wanted to float away from my body, be free like I did that day at the beach when it was raining. But I couldn’t. I wish the chill in the breeze that was blowing would help, but it didn’t. All I could do was silently weep and walk. Trying to ignore the stares of the odd watchman on duty at that time. The road was rough and initially pained my feet, but this pain soon turned to a twisted sense of pleasure. Each subsequent step felt good. My bare feet were being tortured by the cold and the roughness of the road but I felt good. Not enough though, to stop me from weeping. It was only this strange pleasure that I felt with each step that kept me walking.
It was so bizarre, I didn’t shiver, I didn’t feel cold but for the sensation on the letters of my tattoo. It’d been half an hour since I’d left home and the tears still hadn’t ceased. Still, second after second I found things so cry about, issues, faces, circumstances, decisions, fate, luck, family, friends, smiles, frowns, laughs, love, hate, pain, sorrow, pleasure, despair, longing, life. The world was so silent, as though everything and everyone was holding their breath watching me. My feet started to bleed, I could almost see my footsteps like I could on the sand on the beach. Not intending to infect the cuts on my feet I headed home. Washed my feet in the bath tub. I stood and looked at myself in the mirror, I looked pale and lifeless, almost white like a ghost, as though all the blood had drained out from my feet. My eyes were red though, some how, but still watering. I didn’t want to stay indoors. I felt cold because of the warmth in the house. I climbed to the roof and sat dangling my feet over the edge. Should I jump? Naw! From this height I’d not even break a bone. Then how do I stop these tears, how do I stop my mind from thinking these sad thoughts? It’s all in the head I told myself. But it didn’t help. I wondered how it helps the numerous people I’ve said this to. It’s all in the head. I wish the apparently wonderful advice I give people could help me some time. I wish I had a friend as wonderful as I to talk to, to share my world with who I was sure would understand. I am alone and that is how I stand in this world. It’s always been like that throughout my life. Then why am I feeling what I am feeling? Why do these feelings have to come? Why after being so seasoned, after training my mind so much and being so cold inside am I still so weak? I know I’ll be okay in a day or two, but why do I need to go through this? I don’t know when the tears stopped and when I fell asleep on the roof of the house. I woke up to the piercing rays of the sun and the voice of my aunt calling out my name. I got up dusted my self, walked downstairs right past her hearing none of her questions and not wanting to answer any of them. Took off my jeans and boxers, wrapped my towel around my waist and walked into the bathroom. The spray from the shower was warm, how I wish it would feel good. I didn’t. I ate breakfast, how I wish I could taste the food, I couldn’t. I went for a walk in a t shirt and a pair of shorts, how I felt I’d feel cold, I didn’t. I knew what was happening. Or should I say happening ‘again’, I was going into my ‘cold mode’ as I would like to call it. I have come to realise this over the years about myself, recognising these cycles in my life that have come and gone. This is my body’s defence mechanism. I don’t turn it on or off, it happens on its own. Now again for a while to come I shall feel no emotion, feel nothing physical, no one or nothing can hurt me in anyway, I shall feel no happiness or sadness. I’m numb……..yet again, I’m numb. It’s the only way I can live now, for a long time to come.

Revival or Death?